College

College is a lot harder than I thought it would be! People always told me not to get too stressed about it because it was just the next step....! Well they missed the memo because it's more like a free fall. The classes are intense and every minute counts in class! I'm scared to even miss a class...I guess that could be counted as a good thing though. The homework is there...definitely there and is killer. It was a very hard transition for me to go from living at home, relying on my parents, having a chill fun life to....homework all the time, no parents, having to work 2 jobs to keep cash coming in to help pay for this education and no free time. And if there is it's spent with the fam, friends or catching up on sleep-if that's even possible. Lots of tears happened in my car to and from places. Because we all know how awkward it is to cry in front of your roommate...so I try to just avoid that at all costs. Only slipped up once-but that time I had a valid excuse. As I am starting this new semester I honestly do feel better because I know the impossible standards that the teachers are looking for and I know that no matter how many hours and hours of studying I do....getting a B on a test is the best I can do. It's hard not to compare yourself to the complete strangers around you. Sometimes I feel like a bug that was squished with a really heavy rock. Like I said above though...this semester will be better in that I will be able to handle the pressure better than I was able to last semester. Well...at least I'm hoping for this to happen. I wish I had been emotionally prepared for college and that someone would've set it to me straight what my life was going to be like for the next 4 years. I want to say that I will prepare my children for college so they know what they're getting into...but I don't want to scare them away and I wonder if they would learn more if they were just thrown out there. But as I finished writing that sentence being thrown out into the world is scary and a buffer would've been nice. There are a few nice things about college though that is okay to say the least: 
-you can kind of do whatever you want when time permits 
-your vocabulary improves because of the way the professors talk 
-you don't feel like a bug under a microscope-referring to reporting to the parents of the 5 W questions: Who, What, When, Where and Why. Now I'm not saying that is bad when parents do it (I will most definitely ask all of these and probably more when I myself become a parent) but it gets really obnoxious when you're the child. 
-you aren't in class as long as you were in high school...but the homework makes up for that, but still it's nice to only go to 3 hours of school a day! 
-the religion classes here are probably my favorite. I've learned so much because the scriptures are something I really care about! 
-lots and lots of freedom, but that goes hand in hand with lots and lots of responsibility. So I am learning a lot through the experiences I have. Most of which are slightly humiliating, stressful and frightful....but if I could change the past of deciding to come here to BYU....I wouldn't change anything. I am glad to be where I am even if it is kicking me in the tush! 
-This school is hard hard hard but it's a good school and if I can stick it out then I will be a different person when I finish.  Hopefully a better person. 
-I like being away from my family....well not really.... I only say that because moving out made me realize how much I really love them and that material items don't make you happy. I have been so blessed throughout my life to have nice things (clothes, car, shoes, accessories, etc) but when I came to college none of those things mattered, none of those things made me happy. I was miserable the first semester. It's hard to find happiness here....for me at least. That's one of my new years resolutions though...is to FIND happiness in PEOPLE not things! Even if the people here are super arrougant and annouing I am going to at least try....yes I will try to I don't know open up and try new things. But see that's where I get stuck. I tried soooo many new things the first month I was here trying to make friends and enjoy college life...but i discovered that I am kind of an independent hermit. I like being by myself and doing things alone, it gives me time to think out loud (aka: talking to myself)  I would  move back home though in a heartbeat because I now know the dorms are really not my thing. Too many hormones, too many screaming girls, too much fruity decorations everywhere, too much to handle with the whole community shower/bathroom thing. I mean seriously...how hard is it to flush a toilet?? 

 So all in all....my college experience has just kinda been lame. I miss high school. I miss my friends. I miss my house. I miss living with my two crazy loud brothers. I miss my mom always checking on me. I miss my dad's hugs. I miss my other life. But I can't go back so I've got to start looking forward and making the most of what I have.